


Chakotay's Misery

by HiddenTrekker



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: F/M, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, Letters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-17
Updated: 2018-07-17
Packaged: 2019-06-12 02:04:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,735
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15329271
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HiddenTrekker/pseuds/HiddenTrekker
Summary: This was inspired by a YouTube video of the same name, particularly the line 'I wrote 100 letters I will never send' by Scorey5001, check it out https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dj-_Ao_G-qAThis has been rattling around in my head for a little while, what if Chakotay really did write Kathryn letters, what if he did show them to her when they got home?There is mention of C/7 but only a little.





	Chakotay's Misery

Packing up the boxes of his life for the last 7 years was something that Chakotay had never thought would truly come. He had resigned himself to living out the rest of his life in the Delta Quadrant surrounded by the same grey bulkheads and colourful people he had made his home since he had destroyed the Val Jean.

Voyager’s First Officer sighed as he stood from where he had been sitting amongst the cargo boxes slowly deciding what it was that he wanted to keep, recycle and donate to Starfleet for the Delta Quadrant exhibit they wanted to set up for all those wanting to see what had happened to the ‘intrepid’ Voyager and her crew.

Looking around at the piles he had create Chakotay sighed to himself again. _Not much to show for a life_ he thought. The pile of items that he wanted to keep wasn’t very large at all, especially when compared to the pile that he was more than happy to recycle, amongst that pile lay a few old clothes too worn to wear again, a few trinkets from now nameless planets they had come across, a handwritten letter to himself about someone named Kellin that he had no memory of whatsoever and some photos that the Doctor had given him over the years that didn’t exactly flatter his figure.

The pile for Starfleet was mainly items that had been given to him as a member of the Command Team of Voyager, he had decided with Kathryn that they would pool these items together and then decide what was best to give to Starfleet and what was simply, as Tom would put it ‘tat’.

Chakotay walked over to his replicator, now free of rationing he was free to order what his heart desired, but instead he simply ordered a coffee and returned to his previous position on the floor by his bedside, slowly emptying those items he believed personal enough to keep in his bedroom, where no one else entered. He opened the draw of his bedside cabinet, taking out his medicine bundle and placing it directly in to his keep pile, his Maquis crew had known him well enough to save it for him from the Val Jean before he had to destroy it, which he would be forever thankful to them for. Below it was another envelope, he knew what was in it and placed it in his lap. Although it was something that he had kept secret, it was really something for someone else.

The envelope felt heavy in his lap, he stood up again and headed to his sofa, placing the envelope and his coffee on the table in front of him. Unwinding the twine from around it the papers that he knew were inside started to spill out. All written by him, and this time he knew about the person they were for, he knew them all too well.

***

Voyager’s Captain Kathryn Janeway entered her quarters having spent hours hidden away in her Ready Room speaking with the Starfleet brass, being pressed to explain every little detail of what had happened over the last week or so, ever since Admiral Janeway had appeared on her viewscreen, and changing the course of Voyager’s history, her future, in more ways than Kathryn wanted to think about.

Her head was pounding with the headache she always got when discussing the complexity of the Temporal Prime Directive, and Kathryn was glad to now be able to have a moment to think about everything herself. Her life had changed so much over the last week. She had learnt that her most trusted friends onboard had been keeping secrets from her, Tuvok and his illness, Chakotay and his relationship with Seven of Nine. _Seven of Nine of all the women onboard he could have chosen… why her?_ Kathryn grumbled to herself. She stepped over the boxes that had been left for her by some crewman assigned to ensuring that her crew was packing up ready to leave Voyager tomorrow morning, finally to step foot on Earth again. To see family they never thought they would see again. To be able to hold loved ones again.

Kathryn’s hands automatically went to her hips as she surveyed her quarters, mentally packing things away, packing away her life and home, one she was never sure she would actually have to leave. She crossed to her replicator and gave a silent prayer to the engineering gods that it was working today and ordered her usual black coffee, before deciding to cancel it, instead ordering coffee ice cream. _Well if I don’t deserve a treat today then I never will_ she smiled and sat on her sofa, placing the ice cream in the arm of the chair and folding her legs underneath her. Resting her head back against the bulkhead she watched the planet spin slowly below her, Earth.

“Computer, play something cheerful” She ordered

The Computer chirped and started to play some light jazz, making Kathryn smile, it was a piece taken from a playlist that Tom and Harry had put together for her, one of her birthday gifts from them. Although she didn’t enjoy the music itself she enjoyed the memories that it evoked.

Finishing her ice cream Kathryn removed her jacket and t-shirt, leaving her in just her uniform pants and undershirt. Kicking off her boots she walked over to her book shelf, deciding that was the best place to start with her packing, knowing that it was all books she would likely recycle, many of them had been replicated over the years, when she got frustrated with reading PADD’s and missed the feel of real books. There were a few that she would keep and take home. She started to shuttle the books back and forth to the replicator, recycling them as needed, placing the few special ones in her box of things to go to her mother’s in Indiana for now, until she had sorted herself out a new place to live.

Once she had finished the bookshelf Kathryn moved to the bedside cabinet, her copy of Dante resting on the top. Picking it up the pressed flower she used to mark the page she was reading slipped out. Collecting it from the floor Kathryn smiled sadly to herself. _That was when he could have loved me, I just couldn’t love him back… at least not openly._ Kathryn put her book in the box but the flower lingered in her hand, twirling it between her fingers. Without realising it she had started to pace back and forth around her quarters, lost in her thoughts.

***

The top letter slide out as easily as it had slid in when Chakotay had last placed it there. The sound of the paper sliding over the other sheets was the only sound he could hear over the hum of Voyager’s engines.

**_‘Kathryn,_ **

**_You died today. Died in my arms. It’s something that I have feared happening ever since I met you and agreed to be your First Officer, to serve and stand by your side. Today, you left me alone, and it was my fault. I was the one flying that damn shuttle, and because I couldn’t do anything you died.’_ **

The words sent shivers down his spine, he remembered writing that letter as if it was yesterday, it wasn’t something he was ever likely to forget. Chakotay put that letter aside and picked up the next one.

**_‘Kathryn,_ **

**_We came back today, home I guess you could call it. For some reason though, it doesn’t feel like home again for me just yet. Home has been our home, that shelter down on the planet now left in our warp trail.’_ **

New Earth, Chakotay thought to himself. It had been the first time that he had felt a need to write, using his own hand, to Kathryn, she hadn't let him call her by her first name until they had been stranded. Until that point they were just a friendly Command Team, however after New Earth they were friends that were the Command Team.

**_‘Kathryn,_ **

**_You are keeping me at arm’s length again, and I am not sure why. Could it be that the encounter with Q, and his request to you has got you more unsettled than you want to admit to anyone, even yourself?’_ **

That was after the first night that the omnipotent being had appeared and asked Kathryn to mate with him, the first time that he had really spoken to her about the jealousy he was feeling towards it all, how he had wanted to protect her.

**_‘Kathryn_ **

**_I know you are scared, I see the fear etched in the looks that you give me whenever the Borg are mentioned. I also know that what I did to the ship and to you has affected how you look at me now, possibly even how you think of us.’_ **

Reilly Fraser and her little collective had done more damage to his friendship with Kathryn Janeway than they ever could have known when they used him to reactivate the cube. Chakotay still wasn’t sure if what he had felt for the woman was actually his own feelings or the manipulation that she had used on him in the link they set up to treat his brain injury.

**_‘Kathryn_ **

**_The Captain and Commander had their first real fight today, I can’t help but think that it was also Kathryn and Chakotay’s first real fight too. It certainly felt more personal than anything we have disagreed on before has ever felt. I don’t know how I can tell you just how sorry I am that I went against you. Especially now as you have Seven of Nine to deal with, another stray we seem to have taken in to the fold.’_ **

_Seven_ thought Chakotay. During all his packing he had forgotten that he was meant to be meeting her for dinner, their plans having been cancelled due to their efforts to get home and go up against the Borg.

He tapped his comm badge, “Chakotay to Seven of Nine”

 _“Seven here, yes Commander”_ She was using his title, that didn’t mean anything

“I’m sorry Seven but can we take a rain check on our dinner plans tonight, I have a lot of packing to do, as I am sure you and the rest of the crew do.”

 _“Of course Chakotay. Seven out”_ She cut the line before he had a chance to reply.

 _I should be feeling guilty_ he thought, noticing that he wasn’t, and that he wasn’t bothered that he hadn’t been able to set a new date with her. Chakotay returned his attention back to the letters he had written to Kathryn over the years. There were hundreds, at least 200 of them. He had written them at times during their journey when things were at the most tense, when he wasn’t sure he would make it, when he wasn’t sure he and Kathryn would make it or simply just when he wished he could tell her things that he wasn’t sure how she would react to him.

 _She should know about these_ , things had been strained between them recently, the lightness of their friendship had disappeared. The easy banter between them was now full of tension, her light had diminished, and he knew that he was to blame for some of that.

Finishing his now cold coffee he stood and began packing his letters away in the envelope again carefully. _If I don’t do this now I never will_ he thought, The decision made he picked up the envelope.

“Computer, locate Captain Janeway”

 **Captain Janeway is in her quarters**  the electronic voice replied

“Is she alone?” He didn’t want to interrupt her if she was busy with someone else

**Affirmative**

_No time like the present_ he said, heading to her quarters.

***

Kathryn realised she was pacing and not getting anything done after a while, she stopped pacing and placed the rose in her hand on the coffee table. Sighing to herself she placed her hands back on her hips again, trying to decide what to pack next when her door chimed.

“Come in” She said not looking up

“Kathryn?” Chakotay’s voice broke her train of thought, she looked up startled to see him, but smiling as she met his gaze.

“Chakotay… did we have a meeting I forgot about or dinner?” She asked

“No, nothing like that. I just thought you would like to talk to someone, given how you have been hidden away all afternoon” Chakotay smiled at her.

“Thank you, I would like that.”

“How is your packing going?” He asked, stepping further in to her quarters, taking in all of the boxes she had left empty.

“Oh you know, slowly.” She laughed, “There are so many memories in here, stored away or things I had forgotten about.” Kathryn moved over to the draws in her bookshelf, opening them to reveal a thin piece of fabric. “Like this for example. Do you remember that planet with the folding matrix that some of the crew stole?” Chakotay nodded, “I had forgotten that I was given this by their leader, Gavin” She said lifting the fabric from the draw, “Well something for the exhibit I guess, especially with the story that goes along with it.”

“You could say that about most of the things we picked up along the way Kathryn.”

“I suppose you’re right”

Chakotay shuffled his feet and looked uncomfortable. “What is it Chakotay, you look like a naughty school boy.” She chuckled

“I was going through the things in my quarters, and well I… I came across something that I would like to show you. If you have the time that is.” He asked nervously.

“Of course” She said, indicating the empty sofa spaces. “Would you like something to drink first?”

“No thank you.” Chakotay sat awkwardly on the empty space on the sofa, Kathryn nodded and settled next to him. He could feel her body heat through his uniform jacket. _Maybe this was a bad idea_ flitted through his mind

“What was it you wanted to show me?” Kathryn asked, her curiosity peaked.

Chakotay cleared his throat and handed her the envelope in his hand, the twine hanging loose as he hadn’t tied it back up on his way from his quarters. “Sometime in to our first year out here, just after New Earth, things between us changed, you became more to me than just my Captain, you became my friend. Around that time I started to write these.”

Kathryn frowned taking the envelope from him, she opened it carefully, raising her eyebrows to see sheets of paper packed inside. “Writing what Chakotay?” She asked.

“Letters.” He simply replied

“We all wrote letters to loved ones Chakotay, why do you want me to see these?”

“They aren’t letters to my sister, or anyone else in the Alpha Quadrant, they are letters you someone who has been beside me every step of this journey.” He answered cryptically.

Kathryn frowned again and pulled out the first few sheets of paper.

**_‘Kathryn,_ **

**_You did it again, you beat impossible odds, and my own blind selfishness.’_ **

Kathryn looked at Chakotay, unsure if she should read anymore. “These are all to me?” She asked, flattered and confused all at the same time.

“Yes.”

“Why not just talk to me? I thought we had a close enough relationship that you could talk to me about anything.” She asked, hurt that he had hidden things from her.

“We did… I hope we still do. I don’t know, there were things that I wanted to… wanted to..” He stood up and began to pace, Kathryn watched helplessly as he did so. “I started doing it as a way to get things out of my head, things that I didn’t want to say in a personal log, they started not long after the Seska incident and we couldn’t be sure that there wasn’t another spy onboard who could get in to our personal records… I didn’t want them, anyone, to be able to use how I felt about you against us.” He rambled, trying to make sense of why he had started writing them in the first place when he wasn’t sure anymore.

“You could have just spoken to me about it, in private. Our friendship was strong enough then wasn’t it?” Kathryn asked.

“There were certain parameters in place Kathryn, as there still are today.” He answered honestly. Back on New Earth Kathryn had told him that she couldn’t give him more than friendship as she was his commanding officer, and he had told her the story of the Angry Warrior, a thinly veiled attempt to tell her that no matter what he would always be by her side.

“So why show me these now?” Kathryn asked,

“It’s just time” He replied. “I don’t expect you to read them all while I am watching you, if at all. I just thought it was time that you knew.” He said, “I will leave them with you, see you on the Bridge.”

Kathryn sat, numb on her sofa and watched as her First Officer and Best Friend left her quarters, leaving behind hundreds of letters to her, written in his own hand. Her packing forgotten Kathryn sat back and started to read.

_‘ **Kathryn,** _

**_Watching you leave the Bridge this afternoon was the hardest thing you have ever asked me to do in all the years as your First Officer. I can’t deny that I am not mad at you for it. Ultimately you are my Captain and I will follow your orders._ **

**_Knowing what you are going to allow to happen to you is breaking my heart. Knowing that you are going to allow those monsters to hurt you, all to help those innocents that they have stolen life from. The Borg do not know what is going to hit them, but I hope that they don’t hurt us worse before you can deliver your plan._ **

**_Kathryn, if you ever read this, please know that I am never going to allow them to hurt you again. I swear it.’_ **

Kathryn placed the letter down, she knew what he was talking about, Unimatrix Zero. She, B’Elanna and Tuvok had allowed themselves to be assimilated by the Borg, Tears pricked her eyes, she swallowed them down and started to read another.

**_‘Kathryn,_ **

**_I wasn’t sure that I wanted to see you, not like that, but I had to make sure that you were really here, really home, really back with me again._ **

**_To see you laying there, on that biobed, tubes and machines coming out of your pale grey skin, seeing what they did to you, stripping you away of all your armour only to replace it with theirs was almost too much for me to bear. I don’t know how Tom did it seeing B’Elanna like that, but then at least he is able to show his love for her, I have to continue to hide mine away, even from you._ **

**_The Doctor assures me that you will be alright soon, but you have a long recovery ahead of you first, knowing you though you will half it.’_** Kathryn felt herself smile at that, **_‘ Of course I was worried about B’E and Tuvok too, but the only person I could see in that room was you._**

**_I pray to the gods that you will be alright and returned to me in one piece.’_ **

Kathryn sighed and put the letter to one side. She hadn’t known that Chakotay had seen her when she was a drone, she had suspected but had never asked him about it, and never would have. It still gave her nightmares now, thanks to the suppressor that the Doctor had given her she remembered every moment of the assimilation process, the hum of the voices in the back of her mind, trying to take her humanity away. _Oh Chakotay, had I known…_ Had she known what? She wouldn’t have done it? Of course she would have done, she never would have asked any other member of her crew to put themselves on the line if she hadn’t been willing to do the same. Tuvok and B’Elanna had volunteered to go with her, and she had accepted their help begrudgingly.

**_‘Kathryn,_ **

**_We are back now, back in the safety of the vessel we call home. Who would have guessed Tom Paris of all people would have been the hero of the day. The Kazon never saw him or the Doctor and Suder coming for them. Not even Seska could have._ **

**_And know we know the truth about her son to, the Doctor told me that he isn’t mine, he was Culluh’s all along. Kathryn I have never felt so stupid for believing her. Of course she was lying, she is, or was, an expert liar, She had lied for years to me, living as a Bajoran, my lover too. She made me believe that she loved me once, but that too was a lie just to get information for her precious Cardassia._ **

**_Kathryn, I want to thank you, I know I already have in a general way, but without you by my side, fighting my corner then I would surely be dead by now. Culluh or one of his thugs would have done it. I would have put my life on the line for a child I believed was mine, only for it to be a lie._ **

**_You will never know how much it truly means to me that you were there by my side, supporting me. It makes me love you all the more._ **

He loved her, Kathryn had known that then, known that he loved her in his way, she was never sure if it was proper love or if it was just misplaced loyalty to her that he confused with more.

She stood up, the pile of letters falling to the floor, unnoticed. _He loved me, properly loved me then… does he still love me now after everything?_ She knelt to the floor and gathered up the papers, looking among them for a more recent letter, finding one she sat back on her heels again.

**_‘Kathryn,_ **

**_I am honestly so angry with you I can’t stand to look at you! I was protecting you, doing my job, protecting my Captain even if that means protecting you from yourself, and what do I get for it… relieved of duty!’_ ** Chakotay had scrawled across the page, his anger clear in his writing. Kathryn knew that this was around the time of the Equinox incident, and he was right, he had done his job, saving her from one of the worst mistakes she ever could have made. **_‘I have never been so angry at you, scared for you, almost hated you for it. Damn it Kathryn, if I didn’t care about you then I wouldn’t be this angry with you.’_** Kathryn put the letter down in her lap, he had said that he cared about her, but not that he loved her. She decided to read on, noticing that the tone had changed somewhat, she guessed that it was after she had spoken to him on the Bridge and after the party.

**_‘I still can’t say that I have forgiven you, but I know you are trying, trying to make things right between us again. It will take time Kathryn, and I know that you know that, but the effort you are making is there and going along way to mending the relationship between us._ **

**_If I didn’t still feel this way about you then I wouldn’t be anywhere near as hurt and angry at you as I am. You and your stubborn ways Janeway. If I ever get to speak to your mother I am going to find out where that streak of yours is from.’_ **

Kathryn smiled again, he must of still loved her for him to want to speak to her mother, She had known he was hurt and he was right it had taken their friendship a while to recover, she wasn’t sure if it had even now, not back to how it used to be. _Had that allowed Seven to make her move on him?_ Kathryn wondered idly. She began to pace again, her mind going over everything, she paused again, collecting the letters trying to find the latest one. Finding it she stood and started to read again.

**_‘Kathryn,_ **

**_You’re home again, and your memories are coming back slowly, I am hoping that you will recover more of the good than the bad, gods know that time here has been hard on you, On us, recently anyway._ **

**_Seeing you living with that man, Jaffen, so happy and carefree again, it reminded me of the Kathryn that I saw back on New Earth, free from the burden of being the Captain all the time. It almost made me think twice about bringing you home, back to that pressure that has weighed you down so much._ **

**_Seeing you walk out onto the Bridge after you had said goodbye to him was difficult, I’m not going to lie about it, it was almost as if I was watching your heartbreak all over again for Mark. You know in many ways Jaffen reminded me of Mark, the way that he spoke to you is the way that I often think Mark spoke to you, and they looked similar to. I could see why you would have been attracted to him without your memories of your real life, the life we have built here._ **

**_I have to admit, and I can only admit it to you like this, I miss seeing that you, the happy, stress free Kathryn, the one I fell in love with on New Earth, I think that’s where it was, where I realised that I loved you, but I probably fell the first moment that you squared up to me on the Bridge, between Paris and me. No woman had ever really done that before, and those that had all had fear and uncertainty in their eyes, you didn’t._ **

**_You did on that planet though, you were scared of me. Scared that I would hurt you, or worse. Kathryn, they took everything from you, not just your memories of Voyager, but everything that made you who you are. Made you the woman that I have spent everyday of the last 7 years standing beside, supporting and loving from afar. You weren’t my Kathryn on Qu’ara, you were a shadow of her. Now that I have my Kathryn back I am not sure that you are happy to be back. You are pushing me away, pushing me back to the ‘Commander’ level again,_ **

**_The easy smiles aren’t there anymore, and I fear that they will become fewer the more time that we spend out here. The more time that you spend alone, pushing away the love that I so freely want to give you, for you to take and take the nourishment from that you so desperately need, from someone who is flesh and blood rather than a trick of light like Michael Sullivan._ **

**_I am in misery here Kathryn, sitting beside you everyday, knowing how much I love you and yet also knowing how much you won’t let me love you. It’s for that reason Kathryn, I have to move on and try to find happiness somewhere else, with someone else._ **

**_Just know Kathryn, that I will always be by your side, as you First Officer and as your friend, you will always own a rather large piece of my heart, but I have to find someone who will give me their love in return._ **

**_I’m sorry, my Kathryn, I truly am.’_ **

Kathryn felt the tears that she hadn’t realised had been flowing fall down her cheeks. Chakotay had loved her for all these years, right up to the point of a few months ago, and yet she had continued to push him away, all the time thinking that he would wait and simply push back to be with her again no matter what.

She paced back and forth again, the letter in one hand, the other running through her hair in frustration. _If only he had waited a little longer we could have been together now_ , Kathryn stopped, things were different now, maybe she could stop Chakotay’s misery now that they were home, answer some of the questions that he obviously had for her, _Time to re-evaluate those parameters._

Kathryn moved over to her replicator and requested several sheets of writing paper and a pen with which to write. She had decided to respond to Chakotay in kind, she would write him a letter like he had done to her for so many years.

***

_‘ **Chakotay,** _

**_I have been reading your letters, the letters I never knew you wrote, but I am very glad that you did. I am glad that you have had some form of outlet for everything that we have been through during our years travelling home, Well now we have done it, we are home and that means that some things can change, and I hope for the better._ **

**_When we were first thrown into the Delta Quadrant, we were thrown in as enemies, and if circumstances had been different then I would have completed my mission to capture you and retrieve Tuvok without a backwards glance, however that was before I knew you, before I knew the man who was to become my rock, my support and backbone out in the Delta Quadrant, I honestly couldn’t have done it without you. I should have told you that more often, not just when things were looking pretty dire, but in the good moments too. Maybe then you wouldn’t of had to question how I felt about you._ **

**_I know that we have had our difficult moments, but the times in between them, the good ones have been some of my favourite times out here, New Earth included. The little things that you did for me when we were stranded really showed me just what kind of a man you truly are, kind, loyal, supportive and caring. Have I ever told you that the bathtub wasn’t left behind? It’s in the Cargo bay, waiting for today, waiting until we are home again and I can use it properly in the home I intend to live out the rest of my life in. Back then I knew that I couldn’t part with such a special gift, something that you had made. There are other things that I have kept too, as I am sure you have kept. Not just the big things, though there aren’t much bigger than the tub. The rose you gave me, the day after I died, it is pressed and now lives between the pages of my favourite book, the watch you gave me for my birthday on my bathroom side, to remind me everyday since that you have faith that I would get this crew home, no matter the state of my ship,  there are images of you and I dotted around my quarters, no where that anyone else by I see them but they are there._ **

**_Chakotay, from reading your letters I know how much my actions have hurt you over the years, and I can only thank you for not giving me those regrets, the only regrets that I have are from actions that I have not taken. The times when I have pulled away or worse pushed you away from me, whenever we were getting too close. I should never have put those protocols and parameters in place, I should have just let things happen between us, rather than letting myself use my engagement to Mark as a barrier. Even back then you meant more to me than he ever did, I just don’t think I had admitted it to myself yet._ **

**_When we got those letters from home, when I got that Dear John letter from Mark, and I realised that my safety net there was gone, I tried to tell you, that I was using him as a safety net from my feelings for you. I had fallen for you, harder and more deeply than any other man in my life._ **

**_Now though you have moved on, I know you have, the Admiral told me, and as hard as I am trying to be happy for you, I can’t help but feel sad for myself. Selfish Janeway strikes again, I made another decision for someone else without letting them have a choice, and I’m sorry for that._ **

**_I’m sorry for everything that I have put you though Chakotay, for the selfish way that I have used your friendship, manipulated you if needed, especially in the early days, but I haven’t done that for a long time, not since we uncovered the spy, I promise you that… that’s if my promises to you hold anything anymore._ **

**_All of this and I haven’t even told you the most important part in all this, I love you Chakotay, I always have and I always will. Ever since you first appeared on my viewscreen, the attraction was instant, but the love, well that grew over time. I first realised it on New Earth, having you there made it more bearable for me, I don’t think I would have survived without you there, even if it had been any other member of the crew I don’t think I would have survived with them, the Captain would have come out far too much and that would have been it, but with you I had an equal… I hope I still do. An equal in friendship if not rank._ **

**_I love you Chakotay._ **

**_Your Kathryn_ **

Kathryn looked up from the paper and read what she had written again. Her writing might not have been perfect, scribbled in places, mark's where she crossed things out, but she had poured her heart out. She knew that Chakotay would want to talk once he had read it, even if it was just to let her down gently now that he was with Seven, Kathryn could hope that he still loved her and would chose her over the young blonde ex-drone.

Folding the letter she had written she gathered up the other letters that Chakotay had left with her, twisting the twine around the envelope but letting it bind the letter she had written on the top. Leaving her quarters, Kathryn padded down to her First Officers quarters, only realising halfway that she hadn’t put her boots or jacket back on, glad that she hadn’t seen another crewman, and finding that she didn’t really care now either way.

She pressed the chime on his door and heard his voice admitting her entry. Stepping through the doors she was met by a sight similar to the one she had left behind in her own. Boxes were strewn about the living area, piles of items were gathered in between the boxes, as Seven would put it ‘it was organised chaos’, sat in the middle of it was her First Officer.

“I have been waiting for you.” He whispered

“I thought you might have been Chakotay.” She replied, her voice low

“Have you been reading them? I can’t remember many of the early ones, the later ones… well I remember them.”

“Understandable. I have only read a few of them. The more recent ones, a couple of the older ones, I liked reading about the early days, you and I building this thing between us.” Kathryn said, using the envelope to indicate the space between them.

“And…”

“And… I wrote you a letter back, here.” She said, handing him the letters he had written back along with her own, “I will let you read in peace… I have some packing to do.” Kathryn turned and left his quarters before he had a chance to reply.

***

Chakotay sat in silence as he read and reread the letter Kathryn had written him. _Trust Kathryn to respond in kind_ he thought to himself. _At least she wasn’t angry with me, and at least she didn’t throw this all in my face._

Chakotay stood and stretched, feeling his muscles protest at the movement. Pacing around his now cramped living space he tried to think about everything that Kathryn had told him, but only the last line repeated itself over and over.

**‘ _I love you Chakotay._**

**_Your Kathryn’_ **

His Kathryn… that was how he had referred to her in his letters. Granted he never thought that he would show her the letters when he wrote them, he wasn’t even sure now why he had shown them to her. His Kathryn… was she ‘his Kathryn’, is that how she thought of herself? Had she thought that for a long time but had been unable to voice it, even in private?

Chakotay had questions, he needed to talk to Kathryn, but first he decided he needed to speak to Seven of Nine. He wasn’t the type of man to string someone along because he couldn’t make his mind up. He sighed and taped his comm badge.

“Chakotay to Seven of Nine”

_“Seven here”_

“Are you available to speak Seven, its a personal matter.”

 _“I was just about to regenerate Chakotay, however am I to assume that you wish to terminate our romantic relationship.”_ Seven stated

“You assume correctly, I’m sorry Seven” He replied

_“Understood. Thank you for informing me Commander, Seven out”_

The line went dead. Chakotay breathed out a sigh of relief, he had been expecting Seven to make more of his decision to end their relationship, however she had tried only the day before, when Admiral Janeway had said something to her about people she loved getting hurt if she were to be injured. Chakotay still cared about Seven, but he realised now that his effort to move on from Kathryn was futile, she was a part of him, she had been for longer than he could clearly remember.

Now that he was free of any entanglement with Seven he was free to explore what Kathryn’s letter really meant to their future. He removed his jacket, not wanting to go to her in full uniform, to be just Chakotay and Kathryn, not Captain and Commander.

He tapped his badge again. “Chakotay to Captain Janeway”

_“I’m here Chakotay.”_

“Fancy a coffee Kathryn?” He asked knowing coffee was always going to make her stop for a moment.

_“How about a glass of wine?”_

“See you in a minute, Chakotay out” He tapped the badge again closing the line. He headed out the door.

***

Kathryn continued to pack away her things while she waited for Chakotay to read her letter, she needed to keep busy. She had tried to drink coffee, but it had gone cold and ignored. She had just tried to fill the time, she wasn’t sure how long it would be.

Her heart had pounded when Chakotay had contacted her, she was sure he could hear it over the comm. Now he was on his way, knowing that he would be here in the next 30 seconds. She decided to head to the replicator and ordered the wine, having packed her glasses already she ordered 2 glasses along with a bottle of white wine.

Her door chimed, she felt her heart rate jump again.

“Come in”

Chakotay stepped through the doors, a bottle of anderian cider in hand, Kathryn smiled at him.

“Is that the last bottle?” She asked

“Yes, I was saving it for a special occasion, I think getting home qualifies” He grinned back at her, stepping in to her quarters allowing the doors to close behind him, enveloping them both in the dim light of Kathryn’s quarters.

“It certainly does.”

Chakotay walked to her dining table and placed the bottle down, taking the wine from Kathryn’s hands, he opened it while she collected the glasses. Their movements in perfect sync, the rhythm of working together closely for the last 7 years clearly evident.

“Thank you” Kathryn said, taking the now full glass from her First Officer. “How is your packing going?” She asked, deciding to start on safer subjects than their letters.

“Slowly, I see your’s is going about the same.” He grinned, giving her the full dimple treatment.

“Hmm, who would have thought we would become such pack rats over the years.”

“Is that one of your Aunt Martha’s sayings?”

“Huh, yes I suppose it is” Kathryn chuckled.

“She was right though, we have both become ‘pack rats’, especially with the sentimental things it would appear.” He nodded towards the pressed rose on Kathryn’s coffee table.

“Hmm, yes well, somethings are just too important to part with” Kathryn replied, picking up the rose and running her fingers over it. “Even the little things can have the biggest meanings.” She mused, her voice distant.

“Kathryn, why did you write me that letter?” He asked, placing his wine on the table in front of him.

“It seemed… fitting somehow”

“Because of all the letters I wrote to you over the years?” He asked.

“Perhaps. Chakotay, why did you write them all to me, when I was just the other side of the bulkhead or on the comm. I know you said it started as a way to say somethings that you needed to say without worrying about anyone else reading them.” She asked him, holding her hand up to allow her time to speak without him interrupting her.

“That is how it started, but then I found it helped when I needed to decompress over certain things, needed to unload about things. For some reason if I tried to speak to someone else it just didn’t flow, but writing them to you it was like a wave coming over me and the words would just flow out.” Chakotay admitted.

“Even though I was only a few metres away… in person”

“Yes, it was, particularly in the beginning, and then it just became normal to write it all down.” Chakotay admitted.

“Did you mean what you said in your last letter… about moving on from ever hoping that you and I…” Kathryn stopped, not wanting to voice the pain she felt at the words.

Chakotay pulled on his earlobe, something he did whenever he was nervous. “I did Kathryn, then I did. I really tried to move on from loving you.”

“Is that why you started a relationship with Seven?” Kathryn asked, almost scared of the answer.

“She asked Kathryn… And I was so miserable, still wishing that it was you asking, but I have noticed that there are certain personality traits of yours that Seven had developed. Perhaps she just reminded me of you.” Chakotay admitted.

Kathryn looked down and took a long drink of her wine, draining the glass. “I’m sorry I made you so miserable Chakotay. It was unfair of me.”

Chakotay placed his glass on the table and reached for Kathryn’s, clasping them, and her wine glass, between his own. “You didn’t make me unhappy Kathryn. The situation did. Do you remember me blowing out the deflector dish with B’Elanna?”

Kathryn nodded, “Yes it was in the middle of dinner and you never did tell me what happened.”

“Well, seeing as the future things that I did see will no longer happen, I guess I can tell you now… unless you don’t want the headache that the Temporal Prime Directive will cause you.” He quipped.

“Well now my curiosity is peaked, I want to know what it has to do with this between us” Kathryn answered him, leaning in towards him as they had done on the Bridge many times.

“Well, the first time that it happened, our dinner was interrupted like it had been the 2nd time” Chakotay watched as confusion moved across Kathryn’s face, “Sorry, it will make sense in a minute I hope. Anyway, the first time I wasn’t able to activate the deflector dish in time and I was hit by some sort of energy pulse, I ended up waking up a very smug looking Doctor, he told me that my body was hit by some temporal energy and I was out of temporal flux with myself, he managed to fix it of course by giving me a hypospray of a chroniton formula. I left Sickbay and headed to the Bridge, but the medkit that I was carrying disappeared, which had me puzzled but I was sure that you and Harry would have a theory by the time I reached you, only you weren’t very happy to see me… neither was the grey haired man sitting in my seat next to you.”

“Cavit” Kathryn whispered

“Yes, I guess that is who it was, your First Officer that was killed by the Caretaker. I’m sorry Kathryn, he seemed like a… principled man.”

“Yes, well, I didn’t know him very well and my current First Officer is as fine a First Officer I could ask for.” She complimented him.

“Anyway, you ordered me off the Bridge with 2 security guards, straight to the Brig for me, only your guards disappeared same as my medkit had done. I returned to Sickbay and asked the Doctor what the date was, it was before he got his mobile emitter, which explained why he was confused when I asked him to come with me the first time I left. He managed to create a casing for the formula and created an additional vial, I knew I needed help from the one person on this ship who has gotten us out of every scrape we have been through, you.” He cleared his throat again, “Needless to say you took some convincing that I wasn’t some spy, I had to tell you about Molly in order to gain your begrudging trust. I injected you with the serum and proved to you that I was telling the truth, you thought I was trying to poison you, poor Andrews was so confused when you and I just vanished through one of the rifts.” They smiled at that, “Anyway, we went to Astrometrics, although you didn’t know what it was you were happy enough to follow me for the time being, when we arrived we discovered a grown up Icheb and Naomi working on what had happened, discovering 37 different time zones, they were surprised to see us, we had both died in their timelines, so your vision of Voyager becoming a generational ship in order to get home was right, we then decided to locate Seven, she was still a drone then. The 3 of us came up with a plan to force the ship back into temporal sync by injecting the gel packs throughout the ship and then activating the deflector dish to force the effect. Along the way we were talking about some of the things that had happened and you began to trust me again, it was like our relationship getting accelerated. What took us a few months to build up was compressed into a matter of hours. What really got to me though was how you ended our mission, the last words that you said to me.”

“What was that?”

“ _Tell me, for 2 people who started off as enemies we seem to get pretty close you and I, just how close do we get?_ ” Chakotay recited

“I did?”

“Yes, I told you that there were some lines we had yet to cross.” He replied

“Why?”

“Because it’s true Kathryn, but the reason it struck me was that if you had been able to trust me that quickly, as ask me how close we got, you must have felt the pull that existed between us, but have never acted on. I realised then that you never would, not while you were Captain anyway, you were never going to let Kathryn just be. That is what made me sad. It made me remember what we were like at the start and how we are now. Not that I regret our friendship Kathryn, please don’t ever think that, it is one of the greatest treasures to me to have come from the Delta Quadrant, I hope that after all this it will continue, but I could then clearly see the difference between the Kathryn Janeway in the beginning and the Kathryn Janeway I resumed dinner with.” Chakotay stopped, realising that he had been rambling again. The tale spilling from his lips.

“Oh Chakotay” Kathryn said, leaning toward him again, freeing one of her hands to place on his cheek, her thumb lightly rubbing his cheekbone. “I’m still that same woman, maybe just a little battle worn but she is still here.”

Chakotay looked in to her eyes, his deep brown meeting her troubled exposed blue. Searching them. Looking for the Kathryn he first met, rather than the Captain that was sitting before him now. She smiled at him, sadly, fearing that he wouldn’t find what he was looking for. He smiled recognising a glimmer of Kathryn, uncertain and worried.

“She is in there. Just like you said, battle worn but there.” He replied and Kathryn released the breath he hadn’t realised she had been holding, waiting for his answer.

“Can you forgive me?” She asked nervously.

“There is nothing to forgive Kathryn, you and I have both made mistakes but they are what make us who we are. The relationship between us is built on both our successes and our mistakes.”

“So, what happens now, I mean you have read my letter to you, and I some of yours, although I would like to read the others eventually if that is OK with you.” Kathryn asked

“Well I am no longer seeing Seven, we only had a few dates anyway so it wasn’t anything serious. She didn’t seem too bothered that I called it off either.” Chakotay told her, matter of fact.

“Ok. Well as of this afternoon I am no longer your Captain either. At least not in the same way I was in the Delta Quadrant.”

Chakotay frowned at her. “Voyager is to be decommissioned… temporarily, while all the technology from the Borg and Admiral Janeway is assessed, and they want to look into our slipstream drive, apparently we got further along with it out there than the whole team looking into it here ever dreamed. So I am a Captain without a ship…”

“I’m a First Officer without a ship and a Captain then.” He whispered leaning toward her again.

“It appears we are both free” She whispered back, realising they were now centimetres apart from their first kiss. She felt her stomach tighten in anticipation, and a little fear of letting her guard down, changing the parameters she had used to keep herself safe from heartache in the Delta Quadrant, but they had ultimately made the one man she was protecting herself from miserable, which caused her more pain than she imagined any heartache would give her.

His lips lightly brushed hers. “Well, seeing as rank isn’t there now, how about we are just us again?” He asked against her mouth. Kathryn couldn’t speak, she had hardly heard his words over the blood pounding in her ears, but she knew her answer.

Her free hand wound its way around the back of his neck, the other freeing itself from Chakotay’s hands to join it, pulling him closer to her, deepening their kiss. Eventually they had to pull apart to catch their breath, their foreheads leaning against each other.

“I should have done that a long time ago” She breathed.

“We both should” Chakotay agreed, smiling at her words.

He pulled her lips back to his, trying to show her all the love he had kept bottled up for so long, relieved when she returned his kiss in the same way. _This was worth the misery, to hold this woman in my arms I would take it all again_ Chakotay thought to himself.

 

 _3 years ago I didn’t even know your name, now I can’t imagine a day without you_ Kathryn remembered the words she had told him when they had first faced the Borg, now she never would have to imagine a day without him.

  
  



End file.
